Blonde, twin pony tail girl sends you to hell!
by Rofl Master
Summary: You know when you're high and just wanna do something? Fanfiction is a life saver.
1. What the hell does Hayate no Gotoku mean

Disclaimer: I do not own Hayate no Gotoku in anyway. But, oh my god I so wish I did.

Hello all! I've been pondering the thought of writing a HnG fic for as long as I could remember now… falling in love with the anime and now being unable to not think about it is really starting to influence my life. So, I decide now today to unleash my fanfare to the rest of the world. The HnG fandom so far is pretty small but this fic is gonna hopefully be long. Sit back, relax and enjoy.

_Chapter 1: What the hell does Hayate no Gotoku mean?_

Indicates Narator

Another fine summer day in Tokyo, birds are chirping, the sun blazes, the wind shuffles through the green leaves of trees. A perfect day where I can finally rel- 

"Hayateeeeeeeeee!" exclaimed an over energized 13 year old.

Aww for the love of R Kum

The camera pans up as an eclipse of the sunshine crosses by another ray, the camera shifts downward. Only a gust of wind can be heard followed by the lightning sound of footsteps running across what it appears to be… snow? The door explodes open, a misty blue aura engulfs our main character. He takes a step into the room, an icicle drops to the floor and shatters into a million pieces. Our hero/heroine's face comes into the picture, his clothes desecrated with ice and snow. 

"You called, Milady?" the boy responds with a smile. His clothes rid of the snow and ice and his smile warms the room to an abnormal temperature.

"Ah, Hayate." The blondie says from behind her recliner. "There's this guy in my party who refuses to stop spamming. Do you mind taking care of that for me?" She lays her hand out, in it a piece of paper with some markings on it.

"Umm… what is that Milady?" 

"It's his address, I had Klaus run an IP scan on him." 

A grim shadow appears from the eastern wing and the door barges open, background lights are added from dramatic effect. Blue, yellow, red, green… per ras. A smoke bomb is released for eye candy. "EY YO, KLAUS HERE!" An overhead portrait of M-T cracks in half and falls onto the old man. His heart is shattered. 

The room returns to a silence, and tumbleweed blows by.

"I'm just excited because that was my only appearance in this fanfiction…" 

"You are dismissed Klaus." Nagi gestures her hand at the old man. A heartbroken and probably-should-retire old man sleuths his way out of the room and back to his emo corner where he watches Luy tar. 

Our hero blood runs cold… is he about to die?

Hayate turns to the wall. "Haha… please don't start killing people off so early in a fanfiction." 

The camera pans back onto our blue haired hero butler-in-debt! Stare 

"Umm… Milady?" The butler's face runs cold. 

"What is it Hayate?" the girl continues to play her MMORPG. She is at 87.37 

The butler's hands start to shake a bit. "This person… he lives in Mexico?" 

"Mmmmm, shouldn't take too long if you walk there." 

A window shatters.

"Uh huh… Very well. Right away Milady."

Another gust of wind engulfs the room and the butler in debt disappears with a trace.

"Oh- wait. He left the party…" 

How ironic… and so starts the day of our hero

A butler is one who serves;

A butler is one who dedicates himself

A butler is a formal guardian who supports the days of their master

Yes,

this is a super combat battle story of a boy who risks his life fighting for a girl.

Opening song 

Ahh…. Our hero walking down a street in Mexico. The eyes of countless workers and their families fall onto Hayate… What a life! 

"Please… do not start." Hayate moans. "I can't believe he logged off before I got there…" 

Ah-hah it just so appears that this 'The Arbiter' hates you too! 

"I wish to return home and play Sr Sh bos bwl while eating Pho."

Your life is really crappy isn't it?

"It is…" A glimpse of light shines across out set and catches the eyes of our hero. "What… is that?" He decides to approach the shining object with great caution. 

No, it might be a pedophile! 

"Why would be a pedophile be shiny?" 

Silence 

"Either ways, I did come here for something so I should have some time to explore." Our hero approaches a silver bell perched on a windowsill. The mosaic markings on it date back to the Greek times with Ares engraved onto it. A picture depicting a vine engulfing a maiden carved into the very base of the silver. "Oooh…! This looks expensive." 

You're not going to think about selling it to get rid of your debt aren't you? 

"Of course not. I don't have anywhere else to go anyways… and the very nice people may still be after me. I think this would make a perfect sentiment to Milady's silverware cabinet." He picks up the bell. A sharp high-pitched squealing sound is heard around the city. Hayate drops the bell and covers his ears with his hands. The pain surges through his head and his eyes squeezed together. After a second, he opens his eyes and ears slowly. – the sound dissipated but no one else seems to have been effected by the pitch. "Huh? Was I the only one who was able to hear that?"

The towns people around him walk up and down the cracked sidewalk seemingly unaffected by the noise. 

"Huh... this reminds me of Sugn no Sa. Could this very well be the bell that was used by Guze no Toma?" 

I think you're looking into R Kum's work too seriously. 

"She is a wonderfully gifted voice actress." The butler stands up and brushes his suit. "Anyways, I should be getting back to Milady now—."

"Excuse us, kid. Mind giving us backs that bell?" A deep voice echoes through the walls of the street, a hand perches down under Hayate's face. 

Hayate looks up at his new friend and back at his bell. A man with a broken nose wearing a sombrero and a yellow jumpsuit holds his hand still, waiting for the bell to be received. "Umm… might you be the Yellow Jumpsuit Apparatus?"

SFX: … 

"No… never the less, the bell please." 

"What value is it to you?" 

"We have no need to answer questions, we can take it by force or we can do this the nice simple way." The two men beside the man with the broken nose step forward and crack their knuckles. Both look to be about 6'3. 

"I think this would make a great addition to Milady's silverware cabinet and it shall stay that way." 

"Fight?" 

Hayate's head drops down, he smiles. "No…" The kid jumps over the three men and does a summersault landing safely on the gravel floor. He runs for it…

"Ugh, get him!"

Hayate, running through the streets of Mexico not knowing where he's going runs by a telephone booth. "I wonder if that trick Maria told me about would work in this situation." Hayate digs a coin out of his pocket engraved with the face of Lady Nagi in it and drops it into the telephone booth. A metal display panel replaces the stationary phone and a control panel lighted with LED lights appear. English letters on the screen read: "Please select category: Firearm, Food, B Denve, vehicle." Hastily, his finger presses over the vehicle selection and a further category is shown: "Tiger Tank, Mammoth Tank, Medium Tank, Light Tank, GXT Gam Model – Frdm, Punch buggy 2004." He selects the punch buggy. A whole in the gravel floor opens up and two steel sheets open up revealing a blue Toyota 2004 Punch buggy. Hayate jumps into the car and drives away into the blue skies of Mexico. 

…Comedic relief ftw 

Through the power of anime, the punch buggy flies through the air and is sling all the way across the world. 

Anime can't defy the laws of physics. 

Rawr. That took me an hour to write. Tell me what you think. I'll try to update soon. P


	2. I don't like TPS but I do like FPS

Hoorah… I'm back with a chapter 2

Hoorah… I'm back with a chapter 2! After continuous days of PSP RPGs I've finally decided to write another chapter :D Hope you guys enjoy

Disclaimer: I do not own Hayate no Gotoku but I would gladly trade my soul and a cookie to Kenjiro Hata for the rights to the series

* * *

_Chapter 2: I don't like TPS but I do like FPS_

Ahhh… our hero/heroine again, how are you doing ma maaaaan?

Hayate sulked through the foyer of the Sanzenin mansion, his arms draped down, and his hair covering his eyes just like in those emo characters do for dramatic effect in animes like Nto. But our hero wasn't trying to be emo, no, he had no choice but to sulk for he was drenched of exhaustion and he could no longer walk properly like a modern day butler.

"…Please do not refer to me as a caveman." Hayate continued to sulk along the red carpeting leading up to the huge staircase. His hand fell onto the railing, the carvings engraved into the oak wood insinuated his senses and he began to feel excited.

Are we turning this into a lemon fanfic?

"CRAP!" his hand releases from the railing and he jumps up and hides behind a lavender curtain. Slowly, he takes little peeks at the railing… and then up at the sky. _Mmmm… this author must be perverted. _He thought. _Oh! Maybe I'll have my alone time with Maria-san._

The Arbiter: You have a better chance of me bringing in gunll lozs into this fanfic than that happening.

_Mmm… so he can hear my thoughts too. _After this engaging conversion with our god and author, Hayate finds his manhood once again and comes out of the curtain.

Just at that instant, Klaus walks by the foyer. God only knows what's going on in his head.

_Mmmm… thank god to the author, I shall get my screen time today._

The Arbiter: Just to spite him, I'm not gonna add him into this chapter.

_Mmmm… maybe I should wear a neko-mini cost- -poof-_ Suddenly, a cloud of smoke replaces where the old geezer was walking, as it dissipates, he is no where to be seen!

Hayate's idea of the god changes, so deep in shock he is only able to belch one word. "…H4x…" Recovering from his superior's disappearance and without even thinking if he would come back or not, Hayate gets right back on task – bringing the bad news to his Lady and hopefully the bell being enough to repent for his actions.

Our hero continues to walk up the stairs, step by step, slowly climbing the stairs of manhood!

Hayate's mind whirls of the countless possibilities of what may happen if Lady Nagi should be displeased with his actions. Emancipated? Killed? No… worse, Fired? The thoughts too disastrous he pushed himself to think positive. Before we know it, our hero arrives at a 15-foot willow wood door. A golden sign on top reads but screams to him: death. The butler in dept sighs, his only option is to confront his Lady and tell her the truth and rely on the bell for a repercussion. "Yes! I shall be a man."

His hands land on the knob… he turns and pushes slowly inward. The slightest crack – and a powerful, cold gust of wind blows into his face. _This power… might it be… Ba L wv!? Milady is in danger, overcome the situation, people in animes must always be able to defy the laws of physics in times of need! _

Moron!

_Hush you. _Hayate turns his head towards the wind, slowly etching back due to the strength of the fluid. _HERE I GO! _An epic battle of good and evil, love and war, holy and unholy begins! Our hero makes the first step into the oblivious, random, and ever so well furnished lands of the wind filled room. His only motive- the safety of his Lady. Icicles start to crystallize on his uniform, his blood runs cold, the wonderful blue hair of his starts to freeze and lose its sheen. _This power… Hne of popa! _The battle wages on, the mental strength of our hero starts to dissipate, his brains cells begin to die. Only a little more… a little more footing and he can get into he room safely. With one last burst of hot strength, his footsteps onto the laminate flooring – suddenly – the wind stops. A fan is seen in the background… _The work of Saku… _Our hero dies from the battle.

A voice calls back from the fan. "Oi, Hayate, you know you can't die til our grosses go down right?"

The lady in blue makes a comment on the weak butler. A foot starts to kick at the downed war veteran. "See Nagi? He's weak. He couldn't even walk through a hurricane wave."

The head of our downed POW lifts up using the freeze frame option that anime uses repeatedly. "Hurricane…" his head drops once more to the ground, the little cup he was holding rolls out of his hand and only the floor. Its rim forms a semi circle and frolls about on the room. Plop, it comes to a stop.

The lady in blue picks up the cup— "Huh… Nagi, isn't this…"

Nagi, from behind her large kingsized chair mumbling to herself in a deprived state of concentration. "Ahhh... Spartan0382 you're so dead you stupid lagger."

A voice booms from out of Nagi's surround sound speakers.

"YEA WHATEVER GIRL, I OWN YOU ANYDAY. I RAPE YOUR LITTLE SNIPER RIFLE WITH MY M4A1 LULULULULULULUL NOOB.

"Don't make me send my butler to your front door and kill you."

"YEA WHATEVER NOOB. URSOLATEKKTHXBYE"

"Hayate..."

"Yes, oujou-sama?" SWEATDROP AND DEPRESSION.

"You don't mind going to California to teach this Spartan0382 a lesson do you? No one calls Nagi Sanzenin a noob at sniping and gets away with it. But then again, maybe I should just put him on my block list and refuse any games with him... yes, that would be better."

"Anyways... Nagi, have a look at this teacup."

The blonde haired hikikomori turns around. "What?" Her hands lands onto the bell… she stays there, still. Seemingly being frozen in time. "That's… that's the bell from Shg no Sa…. explosive touch!"

"Oh? Is that what it is? Here pass it to me." The well built 13-year-old examines the cup- I am suddenly cut off?

"Pedophile author…" Saku blushes and turns to the side.

The Arbiter: I'm 13 you know. My b-day is on the 19th by the way.

"Oh really? Still doesn't compensate for that total pervert comment you just made. Happy early birthday by the way. 14 really sucks"

The Arbiter: kkthxbye

"Whatever boy, you're the author."

The Arbiter: A worthy opponent you are.

"Anyways, Nagi this cup… we're thinking it's from the same period aren't we?" Saku moves her finger up the mosaic drabbing on the cup so well crafted.

"Ancient Rome… the lost cup of tukunakukutalolmoe."

"EHHH?" Hayate exclaimed. "Is that even a name? Tukunakukutalolmoe?"

Saku nodded, looking down at the cup. "Indeed, Tukunakukutalomoe is a lost civilization that dissipated after the assassination of Marcus. It's been said that the cup contains the ability to display a map to the sacred caves of Tukunakukutalolmoe where the sacred Pn Pn X-R was buried along with the sacred remnants of the sacred Great Swrd of Laetion from Valrie Pfile.

The infamous oversized anime sweatdrop drips down Hayate's head as he is sent into despair. "…That's bs."

"That may be true, but it certainly is not a lie my dear Hayate." The blonde ojou-sama explains. "You see, Hakuou academy along with other prestigious schools around the world have been looking for this cup for years now because of the uncontained power that is released when Pn Pn X-R holds Great Swrd of Laetion. It's been written in only the most critically acclaimed text books to act as a leisure activity for students."

"Eh… I see…"

"Where did you find the teacup anyways?"

The infamous sweat drop strikes again! "it was on a barrel in Mexico City."

"Just as the prophecy proclaimed years ago…"

_Eh… Is this a cult thing or just for educational purposes?_

"On another note, Saku."

"Yea?"

Nagi winks with the anticipation for adventure! "You up for a treasure hunt?"

* * *

God dammit that Tukunakukutalolmoe is insanely hard to spell out.


End file.
